I’m always open for criticism, but since this is a nascent piece, I’d really like it if you’d answer some or all of the questions I asked at the end. I guess that means something close to NCCO?
©The Ribbon Tree
by
C. Lee McKenzie
Jason Whitaker dreaded this visit home. Sure he wanted to see his mom, but what if she wasn’t holding it together? The answer was simple. His lifestyle would go up in smoke. Goodbye, Malibu. Hello, Fish Creek.
It wouldn’t hurt his brother to step up when Mom needed help, but Stanley—the number one bleeding heart in New York City—argued that his down-and-out clients needed him at the law clinic. That excuse got good old Stanley out of helping with Dad’s funeral arrangements, dealing with the termites at the family home, and almost everything else Jason asked him to do.
Stanley was already on the front stoop when Jason stepped out of the car. Jason wondered how long his brother had stood there waiting for him, not brave enough to go inside on his own.
Well, it hadn’t been good last year, Jason had to admit, so this time Stanley had a valid reason to wait for reinforcements. The call about their dad had come the day before Christmas. They’d both caught flights home and when they’d arrived they found their mother in her chair next to the Whitaker traditional Ribbon Tree. She’d been a devastated C-curve of a woman, not the ramrod matriarch they both loved and always obeyed.
Recalling that tableau from last year, and fearing that he’d see his mother like that again, he joined Stanley on the porch.
“Been here long?” Jason asked.
“A couple of minutes.”
Jason lifted his hand that was weighed down by a thousand pounds of reluctance and rapped on the door before shoving it open. “Mom!”
Her chair was empty, but he froze in the doorway because the tree stood decorated with shimmering gold ribbons the way he remembered from all the Christmases he’d spent in this house. The Ribbon Tree had always been Dad’s project, but it seemed his mom had decided to keep the tradition alive. A dozen candles flickered on the mantel, but unlike the candles that had delighted him as a child, these cast ghostly shadows against the wall. When he peeked into the dining room, the table gleamed under more candles and Mom’s china. All of these decorations were usual, yet not. A chill corkscrewed up his spine.
He sniffed. Roast beef and Yorkshire Pudding.
Stanley shrugged when Jason looked at him with an unspoken question. Mom’s special Christmas dinner wasn’t what either of them had expected, but the cooking smells filtering through the air somewhat eased the tension between Jason’s shoulder blades. He shook off the vague uneasiness. He was just tired from the flight and worried about his mom’s mental state. Mom was okay. He was off the hook for extended Mom care. Even Stanley managed a smile that looked like relief.
“In here boys.” His mom’s voice came from the kitchen.
She stood guard at the stove, the oven door open and the steamy aroma of perfectly roasted meat and baked pudding pouring into the room. She’d tied the candy cane stripped apron at her waist and wound her salt and pepper hair at the back of her head into a tidy knot. At sixty-five, she still had a slim figure, and her keen eyes sparkled the way they always had. That vacant look of last year had disappeared.
“Your timing is perfect.” She hugged them to her, then set about directing them to uncork the wine and slice the roast while she dished up the whipped potatoes, set the puffed Yorkshire puddings on a plate, and tossed the salad. When dad was here, he’d do the carving, but now that job fell to Jason, and he tried to remember how it should be done. HIs mom was a stickler for well-presented plates, especially during the holidays.
Once at the table, Jason reached for the mashed potatoes, but his mother shook her head. “Has California made you forget to be thankful?”
“Sorry.” Jason bowed his head while his mom said a short prayer.
“Now, let’s give this a taste test,” she said, passing the meat platter.
The only thing he missed in Fish Creek was his Mom and her cooking. Stanley had to be thinking the same thing the way he inhaled the steam rising from his plate and practically purred.
Stanley should have been a woman, Jason thought, not for the first time. Always soft-footed when he entered a room, a voice so low that people had to lean in to catch what he said. The word delicate flitted across Jason’s mind. Delicate and precise. That was why Dad allowed Stanley, and only Stanley, to hand him the ribbons while he stood on the ladder to reach the top branches. Dad had a delicate touch and precision in him, too.
That had been fine with Jason. He’d rather watch football. Ribbons weren’t his thing.
He’d often wondered how two such different people could come from the same genetic material. Jason concentrated on his abs and always had three girls on the string at a time. Stanley’s abs didn’t exist unless you looked very closely. The only exercise he did was to walk up courthouse stairs. They were both about six feet, but Jason had a square jaw and short dark hair. Styled. Stanley’s jaw receded a bit, and his hair curled around his face in a brown fringe.
Yep, we’re very different, Jason thought.
His fork was half way to his mouth with a small mound of mashed potatoes when his mother said, “Your father has come home.”
Stanley, who as always, was beatle-ing his way through his food, one nibble at a time, stopped chewing.
“Say what?” Jason let his fork clatter onto his plate.
“Just what I said. He’s back and he plans to stay.”
Stanley always had a pale complexion, but his face had turned pasty. Jason thought his might have the same washed-out look.
“Surely, you don’t think I could have put up that beautiful tree,” she said. “He didn’t trust me to do it right either, so he did.” She sipped her wine as if she’d just commented on the weather. “I rather like having him back. It’s a comfort.”
Inside his head, Jason’s life exploded. His mom had lost it. He’d have to call work and beg for family leave again. Then there was Kylie and Marian and Jill. Cancel those dates.
“Where is he now?” Stanley’s soto voce question barely riffled the air.
“Upstairs. He didn’t want to shock you, so I was supposed to prepare you.” She looked first at Jason, and then at Stanley. “Are you?”
One didn’t prepare to meet a ghost, and certainly, not the ghost of your father.
“It’s a bit of an adjustment, but so worthwhile. I was terribly lonely, and I didn’t want to move in with either of you. Heaven forbid. This is the perfect solution.”
She walked to the stairs and called, “Malcom! They’re ready.” Looking back at them, she said, “I think.”
Questions:
So is she an addled, lonely widow in need of her sons’ help? Or is there a ghost waiting to descend those stairs and blow reality to shreds. What’s your preference?
Is Jason terribly self-centered or is he only trying to do what’s right by his mother while making his own way in the world?
And about Stanley—the do-gooder, except for his family—is he at all like-able?
The delicacy and precision characteristics that Dad and Stanley share play into a larger piece of this pie, at least at this moment. Was it distracting or intriguing?
Have a wonderful holiday season!
:snowflake: ❄️
Wishing you and your loved ones peace, health, happiness, and prosperity in the coming New Year. Thank you for your kindness and caring.
I’m thinking someone else will come down the stairs. Maybe this will turn into a kidnapping. Maybe a client of Stanley’s. And Jason will have to save the day. Dad will have been poisoned and mom gone mad because of other poison or something.
Jason seems real to me. So does Stanley. And both are likeable.
Intriguing, I suppose. Not distracting. Just filed it as info that might come back up, or not, depending.
– J
I really enjoyed reading this suspenseful piece! I’m rooting for the dad to have never died in the first place, though a ghost could be interesting. Jason seems to have mixed feelings that a lot of people can relate to. You’ve given him lots of room to grow, while Stanley probably has some hidden secrets. We’d all appreciate the opportunity to be reunited with our loved ones and I can’t wait to read more. Merry Christmas & Happy New Year, Lee!
I enjoyed the post/piece and liked the characters. Both brothers have flaws and those flaws are great things to build on, next time. Both are intriguingly personable – even if not the kind of people that I’d befriend at once.
I am expecting a ghost to appear – or maybe their father never died. A twist that challenges everything – and maybe even allows the mother’s mental state to be explored. Who reported the death? What was the process – short cuts?
I’m not sure where this story might go, but I’m certainly getting a lot of ideas from these comments. Thanks so much.
What a fabulous story. You definitely intrigued me and made me want to know more.
Now to do my best to answer your questions. I think there is either a ghost waiting to descend those stairs and blow reality to shreds or there is something else- like a doppelganger.
I think Jason is self-centered, but that he also wants to do what’s right by his mother.
I like Stanley more than Jason so far.
The delicacy and precision characteristics that Dad and Stanley share made me curious to know more about them.
Thanks for sharing! Happy Holidays!
Thank you, Stephanie. I do appreciate your comments. All of these have been interesting and helpful. Have a wonderful December celebration and I’ll see you in 2019.
Hi Lee,
I was thoroughly captivated by the tale you doth weave. I do envision a ghost coming down the stairs. Somehow, I think that representation is something much deeper and yes, subject to a number of interpretations.
Apologies for not providing a more in-depth response. My head is somewhere else. Where that might be, I’ve no idea.
Thank you for your story.
Gary, still your starstruckest fan!
I rather cotton to a ghostly figure myself. Your response is perfect, and when you do discover your head say hi. Mine likes a kind greeting when we reconnect.
An uplifting and unexpected ending, to a rather tragic tale of a homecoming after the loss of a parent. Showing how a family tradition can shine through even the darkest of times. Well done.
It’s very nice to meet you, Christopher. I appreciate your comment. Hope to see you again.
I thoroughly enjoyed the writing. The characters quite came to life, and I’m hoping their dad is a ghost or some other paranormal sort. It would be quite a sad turn if their mom was just losing her mind.
I think that once I know her better, I won’t be able to let her lose her mind. Thanks Cherie.
What a carefully crafted piece drawing together all the elements of Christmas – the decorations, the candles, the food, the strange emotions that arise from being with family, the fear of parents’ need for one whether physical or emotional. I enjoyed it thoroughly. Let me answer those questions
I. I doubt that it’s either of those obvious solutions – there must be a third that will emerge.
2.Jason and Stanley – I can’t decide if they’re selfish or likeable – I don’t want to judge either of them, they have their own reasons for doing what they do. It’s never easy to decide whether to stay with an aging parent, giving up one’s own life for a while. Does the parent even want it? I would say not, children can be such tyrants, especially if they’ve given up something for their parents.
3. Dad and Stanley’s precision – fascinating, not distracting – but I didn’t see where it was going. That could be expanded to take the story further.
Fabulous piece and I wish you a Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year.
One thing I’ve learned about Flash Fiction is just how hard it is to establish characters with dimension. Quite the challenge. Thank you for such great comments.
Fascinating story. So many possibilities. I like the ghost idea. Nothing is wrong with Mom. She’s perfectly normal. No one has ever proven that ghosts do not exist, at least that I know of. Perhaps Dad’s returning to help the boys and Mom be a family again to show they should support each other.
There are many things we can’t prove or disprove. I’m still scratching my head about this story. Where did it come from is one question I have. 🙂
Hello, I remember the good ol’ days of Blog Hops but have drifted away from them. For 2019 I have made it a goal to participate in as many as I can. Have a great and safe holiday to you and yours.
1. So is she an addled, lonely widow or a ghost? Neither. I think it’s a lookalike of the father.
2. Is Jason terribly self-centered or is he only trying to do what’s right by his mother while making his own way in the world? I think that it’s the second option.
3. And about Stanley—the do-gooder, except for his family—is he at all like-able? I think he is ok. Maybe not too much to Jason as they are both opposites.
4. The delicacy and precision characteristics that Dad and Stanley share play into a larger piece of this pie, at least at this moment. Was it distracting or intriguing? Intriguing. I felt that there was more to it (& connected to what happened last year, maybe?)
Oooh, I love this piece.
Addled, lonely widow in need of her sons’ help? Or is there a ghost? For me, neither of the two.
Can there be a third option?
Maybe he’s not dead… after all? It would add a lovely element of intrigue. I suppose it depends on the direction you have in mind for this piece.
I’ll be back to answer the rest…
There have been several suggestions that open up other possible storylines. Thanks, Michelle, I’ll keep your idea in mind.
I’m looking for a third option for who’s upstairs, because I don’t go in much for ghosts, and I don’t think she’s addled. There’s something else going on, and I like some of the suggestions—that he wasn’t really dead is probably my favorite. Maybe he had to disappear for a while for some reason!
As for the sons, I felt bad for Jason being stuck with the work, but he rather ruined that by being so snarky about his brother. He does seem very human and real, which Stanley doesn’t so much. Since we see Stanley only through Jason’s eyes, I think that we are due to find out how much more of a person he is than his brother acknowledges. There is definitely room for something to be important about that delicacy and precision—it’s not there yet, except the tie to the father. It might be that what that means depends on who/what comes down the stairs.
I know you’re a realist, so I’m not surprised that a ghostly dad wouldn’t be your choice. I agree that Jason’s a snark and unrelatable. The POV in this does limit the development of the brother, so I’d have to do something to show him in action and reveal more of his character. Thanks, Rebecca!
Golly. I dunno what happened, but I know I left a comment here several days ago, but it’s nowhere to be seen. Darn, the ether must’ve eaten it. Too bad, because it was a reeeeally terrific comment. Pulitzer-worthy. HA!
Oh well, I’ll try again.
First off, I really loved your story. You did an amazing job conveying a lot of information in such a short piece. Okay, now to answer your questions:
1. All I know for sure is I, as a reader, am as interested in knowing who… or what… comes down those steps as Jason and Stanley are. How you resolve this depends largely on what genre the longer piece is gonna be. Sci-fi? That could be reeeeally cool. Like some alien might’ve assumed the dead dad’s identity. Looks like him, acts like him, thinks like him, etc. So dear ol’ Mom is happy as a clam. As far as she’s concerned, her dead hubby is back, and that’s all that matters. It’d be real interesting to see how the sons would act to see their “dad” walk down those steps. It doesn’t seem likely that the mother’s addled. After all, somebody had to make that ribbon tree… her? A new fella? Or heck, maybe it is a ghost. You’ve got a reeeeally intriguing start here.
2. I don’t think Jason is selfish. He’s maybe a little immature, but his resentment about the situation is understandable. He’s still doing what needs to be done, but he’s also irked that his brother isn’t accepting his share of the responsibility.
3. Stanley’s kind of a non-entity. I don’t have much of an impression of him.
4. Intriguing. The whole story is.
By the way, thanks for stopping by my blog. I’m glad you liked the post, but it isn’t my post for the WEP. That’ll be posted on Monday.
Sorry that your first comment was gobbled up by the jaws of WP. Who knows why? Certainly not me. But I appreciate your commitment to leaving a comment, and I like what you have to to say. I’ll try to stop in again at your site to see what you’re posting for this WEP. Glad you told me.
You know my fiction: I am leaning towards her husband’s ghost, drawn by her need. But I like twists: so perhaps his twin? Both sons are merely human, driven by their own ghosts and needs. Neither saints but both books yet to be written, perhaps with better chapters ahead.
Perhaps Stanley’s “delicate” nature will allow him to see his father’s ghost, while Jason, too rooted in the world, will see nothing. Now, that would lead to some interesting consequences. 🙂
And, I have often been weighed down with 1000 pounds of reluctance on some occasions! Thanks for an absorbing slice of a larger story.
I appreciate the thoughts, Roland. And I like the idea of one brother seeing the father while the other can’t. A lot could be made of that.
I have to admit that I laughed as she said her husband had come home. You wrote that so well, I could feel the humour in it. So to your questions:
1. The woman is just 65 years old. I would hope there is some man upstairs waiting to come down those stairs to meet her sons.
2. I see Jason as self-centered. He is okay with helping his mother as long as it doesn’t mess with his life style.
3. Stanley’s willingness to help everyone else except his mother doesn’t make him likeable.
4. I like the way you infused the father and his relationship to Stanley. In many ways they are just alike. His father was also vey selfish. Therefore, I really do hope there is a real man upstairs who now takes the feeling of their mother into consideration.
Shalom aleichem,
Pat G
Glad you found the humor in the mother’s revelation. I wanted to give her a slightly sardonic nature. She’s used to these boys of hers, and she’s very aware of what’s going on both of their heads.
Thanks for the insights and for giving Mom a chance at a bit of romance.
1. My preference is for a new man, a lookalike – a criminal element who’s seen his chance and moved in with the ultimate aim of making off with the silver/property. So the mother is sort of an addled, lonely widow in need of her son’s help – only not in the way that Jason anticipates. His intervention isn’t key but his brother’s lawyerly skills might be.
2. To me Jason felt flawed and therefore real. It’s not an easy thing to give up his existing life and move back to take care of his mum, so naturally he is apprehensive. He is also a bit judgmental about his brother – he thinks Stanley is weak because he has no abs, he dates three women at a time, thinks he’s superior because of his preference for football – all in all a bit immature and silly.
3. The do-gooder who’ll do anything for anyone, so long it’s not his family – Stanley’s not unusual. But I am seeing him here through Jason’s (somewhat hostile) lens, I’m not convinced that’s all there is to him. So I can’t really say whether he’s like-able or not. What does Mum feel about him? Certainly he had a close relationship with Dad, that’s a point in his favour. Need to see him from another angle before I make up my mind.
4. Definitely not distracting. I think it points to the closeness they shared, both genetically and otherwise, and may foreshadow some future role that Stanley will play in the story which Jason can’t imagine right now. Intriguing.
Great read. Loved the ambiguity of the ending paras. And also like that you are presenting specific queries to your readers – WEP the way it’s meant to be. Best of luck with developing this further.
These were wonderful insights, Nilanjana. I truly appreciate what you’ve given me.
She is so very certain of herself that one has the impression if it is a ghost, it’s a very different kind of ghost.
Jason seemed about right to me, a bit flawed, but knew what his priority had to be.
I actually like Stanley, and feel too, that though he is flawed, his is in there somewhere or he wouldn’t have shown up first, even if he waited for Jason.
The delicacy and precision characteristics are definitely intriguing.
I was right in the story from the start. Imagery was very well done, of course, it’s you writing it. This is the kind of story that isn’t finished, so I’m looking forward to seeing if you do more with it. I also like how you looked for specific feedback.
Thank you, Lisa. I like your feedback a lot, and I’m glad I asked specific questions I need to help with.
I’d say a new man. I like all the details and saw her as a woman trapped in a loveless, almost abusive situation to a man who was too perfect. This new man gives her a lease on life! A happy ending? Why not?
This time of year does call for a happy ending, doesn’t it?
Either it’s a ghost or their father never died and he’s been hiding.
My mother ended up being the one to do everything for her mother, even though my uncle lived in town. For some people, they just don’t feel it’s their duty to do anything.
Yep. One steps up while others do not. It’s interesting to see the family members dynamics at this point their lives.
1. If this were a real life scenario, I’d say she had lost it, but since it’s fiction, I’m inclined to go with the ghost option. I also liked Toi’s suggestion that it could be someone who looked like their dad. Or some shape-shifting alien. (You can tell I’m a sci-fi writer with that last one.)
2. Jason does seem to be a bit self-centered in some ways, but I can understand him not wanting to drop his life to come take care of his mother. That would be an unsettling and scary prospect. At the same time, he does come across as arrogant in how he judges Stanley for being delicate and stringing girls along the way he does. He at the very least lacks some emotional maturity, but at least he does try to do right by his family.
3. As for Stanley, it’s hard to say. We haven’t gotten to know him well enough yet. If Jason’s perspective is accurate, then he should help out with his family more. At the same time, we only see him the way Jason does at this point, and since Jason clearly has some resentment built up towards Stanley, he’s not focusing on the good aspects of his personality that may very well be there.
4. I found the delicacy aspect intriguing. I’d like to read more to further explore this.
Overall this was quite well written and a fascinating piece that could lead to something wonderful!
Your comment is excellent. You know your craft and are expert at discussing it. Thank you so much. I’m slowly making my way around to all of the entries. Each one is quite good and so different.
Intriguing idea.
1. I think there’s either a ghost or a doppelganger. Perhaps Mom met a man who looks just like Dad and he’s playing along because he has nowhere else to go.
2. I think it’s a little of both, but I feel like Jason’s story may go beyond the death the family is currently dealing with.
3. Not sure about Stanley.
4. The delicacy and precision characteristics that Dad and Stanley share may be a factor in determining of the ghost or person upstairs gets to stick around… coming out of left field here, I wonder if Jason is Dad’s real son?
Your last observation is quite interesting, Toi! And a doppelganger is a great idea if I don’t want to go the ghostly route.
Great story. I really liked the drama at the end.
1. Being a widow too, I wouldn’t like her losing it so the ghost would be better for me.
2. Jason is a little arrogant. It seemed like he viewed his mom as a burden.
3. Don’t know Stanley well enough yet.
4. I like the connection between Stanley and his dad.
I like the idea of keeping Mom strong and sane, too. Thanks, Natalie.
1. I think I’m ready for it to go either way, but it does seem like a lot of work got done by one woman, so … it could be a ghost or … an imposter?
2. I don’t think Jason is self-centered, but he does seem arrogant about his “masculinity.” It sounds like Stanley helps a lot while he’s there (the ribbons on the tree), but doesn’t necessarily show up all that often.
3. Stanley and the precision stuff … well, I don’t know for sure what that’s about, but I can see that it’s going somewhere. I just don’t know where yet.
I don’t know where’s it’s going either. Maybe it just has to hang with the expectation of who or what is coming down the stairs.
Thanks, Tyrean. I appreciate the time you took to read and comment.
Wow. This is beautifully written. It’s amazing that you were able to accomplish so much in such a short piece.
Now, your questions:
1. I really don’t know! I’m as agog as the sons are. Mom doesn’t seem addled, but she never made the ribbon tree before, so who did? You’ve got all of us peering up those steps to see who… or what… comes down. I’m leaning towards a ghost, though. I don’t think she would’ve hooked up with a new fella so soon.
2. No, I don’t think Jason is selfish. I think he’s human. We do what we have to do, but that doesn’t mean we have to like it. It’s especially tough when the care-taking falls on one member of the family, while others make excuses. Happens all the time, and I think a certain amount of resentment about the situation is normal. Plus he’s immature, which magnifies his reaction to anything he deems unfair.
3. Stanley is kind of a non-entity. I don’t have an opinion about him, one way or the other. But, in general, I have a soft spot for do-gooders.
4. Intriguing.
Okay, so…
1. I don’t know. That one could go either way. I think my preference would be some new guy, but that would make it a different genre entirely.
2. Jason’s predicament sucks. He has a life elsewhere, but he knows it’s going to fall to him if his mother needs care. It’s unfair to him, really. Stanley should at least help out.
3. Oh, I just answered that one. No, Stanley is not very likcable, at the moment.
4. Intriguing.
Hey, thanks, Liz. Nice answers.
I found this very compling. You drew us in with strong details and I wasn’t thinking a ghost story was forthcoming (so yes, I see it as a ghost). Stanley is pretty self-centered, but also seems principled enough to do the right thing. Good writing!
Not sure I could answer your questions, but I have one of my own. Someone decorated that tree. Who?
By a literary tradition, ghosts can’t affect the real world. But the tree doesn’t seem an illusion, and Jason’s mom never decorated it herself before. So who did it now? Her former husband’s ghost? A new lover? A long-lost daughter?
There is a mystery in the story, and I don’t think the answers to you questions would be light and fluffy. There is some darkness coming.
Thanks, Olga. I think something dark would be appropriate. As to who did the tree…part two or three might reveal that if it ever is written.
Lee, I love this. It is so sensitively written with each of the characters quite well fleshed out in so few words. I could see her slumped in her chair in grief and you used the fragrance of well-remembered food to show the transition from cold to warm.
So is she an addled, lonely widow in need of her sons’ help? Or is there a ghost waiting to descend those stairs and blow reality to shreds. What’s your preference?
I really don’t know what’s up those stairs. It depends on your genre. If it’s paranormal, it’s a ghost/spectral being etc. If she’s plain addled, and she doesn’t seem to be, there could be a pot of ash which she’s just brought home from the crematorium which is his deceased body…and probably other options…
Is Jason terribly self-centered or is he only trying to do what’s right by his mother while making his own way in the world?
Jason is my favorite character. He is ‘normal’. No matter how we love our aged parents, there are times when both emotionally and physically it’s too much, especially when you have so many demands on you. So he was going to step up even though he counted the cost.
And about Stanley—the do-gooder, except for his family—is he at all like-able? Stanley is a bit of a nothing to me at this stage. I like the way he represents the father. Maybe in a longer story you could make much of this, showing the push and pull of childhood rivalry etc.
The delicacy and precision characteristics that Dad and Stanley share play into a larger piece of this pie, at least at this moment. Was it distracting or intriguing?
I think it added to the story, but as I commented above, could add so much more in your delicate hands.
Hope this is helpful. I’d like to read this story!
Merry Christmas!
Thanks for taking the time to write for WEP at this busy time of year.
Denise x
I always enjoy writing to a theme, and then seeing how others treat it. There are never two alike.
Thanks for your answers to the questions. Each one is helpful if only to nudge me in making a decision.
Being the one that everything always falls on can get daunting, sometimes you do want to heave it all. Not self centered. I’d say a ghost may be coming down the stairs.
MORE please.
This tugged on my heart strings. After my father’s death I was the family member who stepped up to the plate. It needed to be done, though I resented the solitary nature of the job. And no, I am by no means perfect. So I guess I was the Jason of the family.
My busy brothers had more ‘urgent’ commitments. Without emotional involvements to derail them.
Is she scatty or has her husband returned? I know not. But it gives her comfort. Comfort she wasn’t finding elsewhere.
Having first-hand experience as a caregiver does give us insights into the feelings Jason has. I know I wanted to help my parents and I did, but there were times when I was stressed to the max with a job and a home to take care of. So I’m not perfect either because sometimes I plain didn’t want to make another trip to the doctor. Thanks for this. I’m finding the comments quite interesting and helpful.
I did a lot for my mother, but didn’t do it in good grace. Which fills me with shame.
Wow. Very well written. I enjoyed it! (And I normally avoid fiction on blogs like the plague.) There were so many lines that I loved.
As for your question, I don’t think she’s addled. I’m not sure he’s a ghost, either. My first thought was maybe there was a mistake, and their father wasn’t really dead, or someone was pretending to be him. I’m definitely intrigued.
Jason was understandable and sympathetic to me. After all, he’s always done the right thing and been there for his family while his brother had a convenient excuse. I know people who have taken on that role in their families (usually always women), and it’s frustrating as hell. Who wouldn’t be resentful at the prospect of having to give up their own lives? His feelings are relatable.
As for Stanley, since the story isn’t in his POV, I don’t have a good enough read on him yet. I thought the details of he and his father being delicate were interesting, and they helped paint a better picture of him, and of Jason, because we receive Jason’s perspective on it.. Not distracting at all.
I think you’ve brought up other possible storylines in this comment. Thank you for helping me out by reading what you normally avoid on blogs.
I always give it a shot, but I’ve been scarred, let’s say.
After reading some of your other comments, I respectfully disagree. I’m glad you didn’t show the ghost! That would kill any suspense or mystery.
Nice!! It could go either way, but I love the idea of a ghost or some other paranormal essence of Dad coming down those stairs. Or someone who has convinced Mom that he is DAD – not sure how he’d pull that off with the sons though!
I think Jason comes across as a bit immature but still a good guy. No one wants to give up their life to care for someone else, but he’s considering it. Not easy!!!
I felt like Stanley could be almost anything because we only see him from his brother’s perspective and we all know that can be skewed. I liked the similarities Jason noted between Stanley & Dad – and I definitely found it intriguing.
I like doing these short pieces because they are a great exercise in capturing character in a few words. I find that a challenge and it’s something really great writers do so well.
Thanks for your comments. They helped.
I thought your use of senses in this (smells especially) was good. I didn’t like Jason. He’s a self-centered prick. Maybe you want him that way. I don’t know enough about Stanley to decide if I like him or not. First impression is that he’s a wimp. Kind of cool that the dad is a ghost, but I think that information shouldn’t be snuck in. It should be more grandiose. The suggestion of him coming down the stairs is good. Best of luck with this. It’s off to a good start!
I didn’t want either of the brothers to be likable, but I think I could make them more relatable if I gave a glimpse of their “positive” natures.
That makes sense. You’re on the right track for what you want to accomplish.
Hi, Cheryl-Lee!
To me it would be more fun if a ghost dad came down the stairs. Why not? A ghost is more entertaining to me than a grieving woman who cannot accept or adjust to her husband’s death.
I did not find Jason to be a very likable character. He is judgmental. He regards himself as a real man because he watches football and easily attracts women (or is it mainly his wealth that attracts them?) and he regards his brother as effeminate. He regards his involvement in his mother’s care as an inconvenience that takes him away from his life in Malibu and his harem of women.
Truth be told I did not find Stanley to be what I would call a likable character either. We were not given enough information about him to produce admiration or empathy. He seems like a milquetoast.
I tend to admire people who exhibit “delicacy and precision characteristics” and therefore I find that element of the story intriguing.
I noticed one small error if you don’t mind me pointing it out. Since I needed to look up the term, I discovered that it is spelled sotto voce.
Thank you and enjoy the rest of your week, dear friend Cheryl-Lee!
Thanks so much for not only reading this but taking the time to do such a thorough review. I think you hit on something. I didn’t delve deeply enough into my two male characters and instead gave them “surfacy” personalities. And, yes, I didn’t put in that other t! Grrr.
At this point, I’d say a ghost is about to come downstairs.
I don’t think Jason is self-centered. Someone has to step up to help his mother and it just always falls to him. That would get old after a while.
Well done, Lee!
I suppose youth is a factor. We tend to be less patient in our youth and that can make us seem self-centered, even if we aren’t. I need to think how to show more of Jason’s character to make the reader have some understanding, if not sympathy for his situation.
So a ghostly story seems to appeal. That might be fun.